It was a few days before we found out that she had died . . .
A couple of days before, everything was fine. My husband Leroy and I were sitting quietly in the celestial room holding hands when both of us were suddenly filled with the spirit. We were happily looking forward to the arrival of our first child. I had asked Leroy to pray for us because I was feeling quite emotional. I cannot adequately express how strong the spirit was during that sweet prayer.
At the conclusion, my husband held me close and asked me if I had heard anything. I had not. I asked what he meant; he said he’d heard a soft voice saying, “She loves you and she misses you.”
Though we knew we had felt the spirit during that tender moment, we didn’t know what the message meant. A few days later I experienced incredible pain. We rushed to the doctor. We were so scared. The doctor checked for our baby’s heartbeat . . . but there was none.
Words cannot express the agonizing pain we felt. We learned our baby had passed away a few days earlier, around the time of our spirit-filled experience in the temple. Finally, we understood who ‘she’ was. Our precious unborn daughter was saying goodbye.
The effects of this experience weighed heavily in my heart. I felt lost, discouraged and depressed. There were days when I simply did not want to see or talk to anyone. I isolated myself. I pushed my husband and family away and I stopped going to work. I was angry that someone so precious had been ripped from me and many times I asked Heavenly Father why this had happened, did He not love us?
The truth was I didn’t want to know why we had to go through this trial. I was angry. Everyone around me reached out to help me but, in my grief, I made it too hard for them, and for myself.
It was a long, hard process to peace. But, over time the knowledge that families are forever gave me the strength I needed to put one foot in front the other. Leroy was my rock. He encouraged me to keep going, even with the simple things like attending church and fulfilling my calling. He led by example and I found great strength observing him.
Over time I came to humble myself and I stopped asking, “why?”
This was a huge trial for our family, but I now realize it is in our trials where we truly see and feel the love of our Saviour, Jesus Christ.
Through prayer and fasting, our tragedy was turned into a blessing of faith and testimony.
I had been taught the plan of salvation at a young age and I believed it was true. But through this trial I have gained a strong, immovable testimony, and a deep love for the Saviour and His plan of happiness.
We were overseas when we lost our daughter. The heartache of having to bury her so far away from home was enormous. Yet the covenants Leroy and I had made in the temple, when we were sealed, became sweeter to me than they’d ever been. I felt that even though her body was far away, we are an eternal family. Keeping our covenants means death cannot separate us forever.
Six months after losing our baby we were blessed to learn I was pregnant again. Our daughter is now a one-year old toddler and she’s a constant source of joy in our lives.
I believe that if we continue to live the gospel of Jesus Christ and stay on the covenant path, that we will be reunited with our baby girl, whom we named Pearl Suvania Sina-Lewa Toleafoa.
So much joy and peace that comes from knowing families are eternal.